Would you really see me?

I think about you all the time. Sometimes all day and night. Mornings and nights are the worst.

I feel haunted.

I wish you were here. I wish I could feel your arms around me when I’m desperate for a hug. I think about that hug on the hardest days. The days I come home and I have no one to share with, no one to comfort me, no one to help. No one.

That hug would heal everything on the tough days. It would comfort the hurt. It would cool the rage coursing through my veins. Revive the vitality that’s been stolen. Instill a peace so profound that I could face anything with a genuine smile and not the one I plaster on to get through the day. The one that falls away the moment I’m alone and leaves my soul screaming.

Not all days are tough, but there are more than I can bear lately. Everything is fine. The bills are paid, I have a job, I’m healthy, I’ve survived the things that were meant to destroy me. But something is deeply and profoundly broken in my soul and I can’t seem to figure it out. All I know is that I find myself longing for you. You’re in the sunset, in the music I listen to, you’re with me when I drive, as I start to drift to sleep, when I’m lying in the dark trying to sleep and can’t, at the kitchen sink washing dishes, when I go for long walks and the sun is beating on my cheek and filtering gently through the leaves, the warm breeze.

I went through so much in such succession over the years without a long enough reprieve in between I couldn’t even cry properly for a year. I was desperate to cry. I felt all the pain, but I just couldn’t cry. I still can’t.

I realize how desperately I need comfort and I confront the depth of my loneliness every day. It’s a loneliness that no one can touch. Not a friend, nor family, nor a hobby, or work. Just you. I wonder whether I’m missing you or something I’ve never had.

I keep praying that I’ll meet you one day. My soul will recognize you from long ago. From all those dreams I have. From the images I see when I close my eyes.

I wonder if I’ll ever meet you. Would you recognize me if you did? Would you really see me?

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