I wish you were here
He’s been pounding on my door. Leaving notes on the balcony.
I’m terrified to leave my apartment. He stole my mail to lure me out of the apartment.
He’s knocking again. Ten o’clock, eleven, one in the morning, two, three, four. He knocks at all hours randomly, waking me from my sleep.
I thought I was dreaming at first. Sensitive to living in an apartment, surely it’s neighbors having friends and lovers over for a visit. Go back to sleep I’d tell myself, trying to stop my heart racing. But I was sure the sound was at my door. I would lie awake listening. The knocking stopped. Maybe it wasn’t my door after all.
It went on for over a year, the cops say the building isn’t cooperating for privacy reasons. I don’t know who he is, but he’s close by. There are two or three neighbours that look so similar, they could be brothers, I suspect it’s one of them, but I can’t be certain.
I started taking boxing lessons, but I’m not that good and I’m small. If someone wants to hurt me, they will. But I won’t go down quietly. I refuse.
I go to the police station every time he knocks and leaves a note. Recently I went and the police officer so was rude and dismissive. I nearly broke down in tears. But you would be proud of me. I held my composure. I stayed calm. I explained the situation and finally someone recognized that this was serious. I felt better, but strangely more terrified.
I wish you were here. I’m tired. I’m scared. I have to face my mortality and the idea of being attacked or assaulted every time I leave my apartment, and it’s happening right here, at home. The building has no real security or cameras, except for in the lobby. They won’t give me permission to install anything on the door or near the door.
I wish you were here. He wouldn’t dare knock on the door. Or if he did, you would be here and I wouldn’t be all alone. Always alone. I wouldn’t need to check my locks 20 times, check my car locks 10 times. If you were here I could go for a walk outside. I haven’t left my apartment in over a year. I used to go for walks all the time, it was my favourite thing to do. It was the only thing I really enjoyed, and for someone who already has a quiet life I feel like I’m in prison in solitary confinement. I feel like I’m going crazy. I can’t sleep. I can’t nap either.
I wish you were here so I could feel safe. So, I wouldn’t have to be so brave on my own. I could be braver. I hate being scared. It makes me sick to my stomach.
I’ll be brave. I’ll keep advocating for myself. I must. I want to meet you someday. I’m proud of myself and I want you to be proud of me too. I won’t cower.
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