Rest is Not Quitting and it’s Not Failure, Either!
It’s been a little while since I’ve posted anything.
I’ve been gone for a few months.
I had life that needed living. Obligations, assistance to give, deadlines. Things that were required that needed me, that I couldn’t say no to, or rather wouldn’t. There’s always a choice to. But some things require sacrifice.
As much as I’ve become someone with strong boundaries, I’m still learning my limits and still practicing. Perhaps I need to learn how to set boundaries with myself too. To give my heart space from my brain. To give my conscious mind space from my subconscious, auto-piloted habits.
Life, I’m learning, has other ideas.
It doesn’t matter how much you have changed; how much you have worked on yourself. It doesn’t matter how far removed you are from your past life or your circumstances. Life has other ideas and it will always present surprises and detours.
Life uses the full colour palette at its disposal to throw splotches and splatter on the canvas of your life, and it loves all the different gradients and hues. It has no plans to adapt to our very simple desire for binary outcomes. Yes. No. This. That. We have an affinity for “or”. Life seems to prefer “and”.
Lately, I’ve been trying to nurse myself back to health after the flu, severe burnout, and after what I can only assume is depression, or at least the Winter blues. It’s been incredibly hard. I’ve felt lost, exhausted, unmotivated, behind, frustrated, angry, sad, stuck, alone, misunderstood, and strangely numb; all at the same time.
I have all these ambitions and desires. I worked so hard. I planted seeds.
Nothing grew. Time passed. I thought I would have made my own luck by now. I thought I would have attracted and encouraged positive change. I was so positive. I was so focused. I was so dedicated. Instead, I felt heavy and strangely empty at the same time. Spent.
It’s taken almost two months for me to recover. This weekend was the first weekend I finally started to feel a little better. I don’t even know why I’m writing right now. Perhaps it’s because of my cute new keyboard (listen, we all need hobbies and I’m obsessed with gaming keyboards at the moment). I told myself I’ll just start a new habit. Write a little every day. No pressure. Just show up and see what the page reveals. Will it reveal an epiphany? Somehow spark a new idea? Help me find my rhythm again? Maybe. So here I am typing away.
In hindsight, though, I think the shift to feeling better came from learning how to set boundaries against myself. I’ve been stuck in anxious loops and toxic-mind patterns.
But this weekend I gave myself permission.
I took it one day at a time. One part of the day at a time, with freedom to pivot based on how I felt (without judgement). I wrote, I posted my blog article, I played a cozy game on my Switch, I drew, I watched TV, I read, I exercised, I ran some errands, I went out for breakfast as a treat, I cleaned and did chores, I played with my cats, and I honoured my sleep schedule.
I fulfilled small, separate parts of myself this weekend.
I didn’t allow auto-pilot to take over.
I didn’t allow the brain to overthink me into stasis.
I didn’t mindlessly scroll my phone searching for hope and inspiration only to feel worse.
I didn’t cycle endlessly through TV channels, bored and restless.
I didn’t reread the same page over again without registering what I was reading.
I didn’t just stare out the window hoping to at least take a nap, unable to, and sit there thinking, ruminating, and praying for help. This weekend, I allowed myself to pivot.
I allowed myself to not care or worry.
It's very hard when you are trying to cope with the effects of burnout after dealing with taxing situations for extended periods. It’s also very difficult to deal with disappointment after you’ve poured your heart and soul into your work or projects (whatever they may be) and they don’t come to fruition.
It’s ok to feel sad and disappointed. Try to allow yourself to go through it. Part of that is allowing yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling and not suppress, avoid, or diminish how you’re feeling. Sometimes, it’s ok to allow yourself to feel the feelings and feel like crap. I think it’s healthy. It helps you learn how to process and cope. It helps you get from one state to the next.
In the meantime, it’s ok to rest. It’s ok to pause.
It’s ok if you aren’t where you hoped to be. It’s ok if you get sick, that your body validating your need for rest. It’s not punishment or something you should punish yourself for (if you’re anything like me, that’s exactly how I feel).
After you have over-extended yourself, give yourself permission to feel like crap when you are recovering. Then give yourself permission to rest and move slower for a little bit.
The energy, desire and creativity will come back. The motivation and inspiration will find you; its spark will suddenly twinkle out of nowhere and before you know it you’ll be back at it, with a renewed zest and pep your step.
Besides, in the Northern Hemisphere right now, it’s Winter.
Even Mother Nature and her creatures are quietly resting and waiting for Spring.
Why do we need to be on all the time? Rest.
I’ll be back soon.
Self-Reflection:
Where in your life do you need permission?
What small part of you can you honour to bring back some joy?
